My voice choked, my journey changed, it evolved, it took buses and trains and grew, every train station closer to the fight and further from my wonder in exploring myself and this beautiful Israel, a wide eyed child once again silenced to make way for grown up things.
It is time I used my voice, I feel so far from the overwhelmed little foreigner that arrived in Israel and this big world with a smile and a provincial determination, fixed on making this his new home.
I have for the time being made some success of this resolve, I have an apartment, all that is necessary to live and work in comfort, lacking for very little, here in a Sleepy Mediterranean Seaside town.
But I have not yet found home.
I lament those closest to me, there is no laughter, all so individual, their own pitch, resonance, the food, the smell, warmth, rain, home.
Now so far away, lost.
As much as I have managed to achieve, I have been arrested in a loneliness, I have seen a darkness, felt a cold. But stubbornly advanced , a steady and rigid determination without regard for companionship and friendship; finding new hope in some, beauty of spirit in others, hearts as bold as a lions, and still the rotten vestige of humanity in others.
As I climbed from one cliff hold to the next, too tired to cry or scream, wholly focused, sometimes wearing my pure terror like armor to ensure my course not swayed, my singular purpose achieved, and yet I found my soul naked to be seen, unadorned in the light, irreverent of opinion.
I have surmounted a cliff, but still the zenith that is my new life, lays now before me, majestic, serene, alluring and terrifying.
Here I have, found some peace, a gasp for air before I continue, now to the numbing and relentless tasks of solidifying my illusion of security.
Mindful of the sepiation of all the dreams that walked beside me, comforted me and held my hand, becoming now as elusive as smoke on the winds of change, that fill my sails, driving me forward.
A plunge into the grey with just a memory of all the beautiful color that surrounded me.
A trade, but not the end.
I miss all those who walked with me, your spirits still do.